My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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