after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
