im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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