My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
