I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
