Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
