We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
