he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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