Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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