I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
