he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
