his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
