Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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