is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
