just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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