Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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