I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
