made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
