alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
