he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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