eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
it glows. i had to have it.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
