Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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