I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You ruined the universe
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
