he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
