Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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