just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
BRING THE BAGELS
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
