Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
