at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
