who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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