Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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