I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
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