Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Randomize
