Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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