How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
