Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Randomize
