Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Are we in a gay sports bar?
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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