who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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