Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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