Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
