On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
