I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
she told me i tasted like america
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
