I hate all girls vehemently.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
