A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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