We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
