dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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