we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
