Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
