apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Randomize
