When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
