You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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