batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
