too bad you live with your parents still
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
he was CRYING into my vagina
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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