Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
