Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Welp...herpes.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Randomize
