Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
